Vicious circles/cycles...

What on earth do you do when you Know you're doing something you oughtn't or would rather not do, but watch yourself go ahead and do it anyway? It's like some sort of out of body experience - my second persona is sitting back with arms crossed and looking cross-eyed at my first persona going "no no you idiot! what are you doing??!!!". And my first persona just looks back at my second, frowns, shakes her head, shrugs, gives a wide-eyed look and gets completely tugged at by a current which she can see is leading her right into the rapids - but does she start paddling frantically away? No! Instead, the second persona watches astounded as the first paddles TOWARDS disaster! Second persona throws up her hands, cannot even walk away, and tries to talk sense into First persona. First persona is being reverse psychologied by the external universe into anti-survival symptoms of temporary insanity...

I'm just sitting here today Knowing exactly what I want to do. I want to be sweet, don't want to fight, want to bring a smile to someone else's face... and what happens? I have a wound from before, and unfortunately for me and the circle of my life, it's still open and keeps leaking some unhealthy fluids from time to time. So today, I come back, and my back is stiff... Because I'm prescient... I know that everytime I walk in, the wound will be poked at and prodded - by a complete innocent, mind you. But I come in expecting trouble, the least instigation and my back goes ram-rod straight, my hair stands on end, and my vocal chords get maximum exercise. What brilliance! Instead of trying to avert disaster, I ask for more! And the more I ask, the more I get... And I know how this cycle works... so why can I not break out of it? I thought I had gained distance and perspective - but I think (look at the previous post), I completely lost sight of the various roles that one person can take on. So, although I did not go insane, I'm still ruled by the emotional currents that ruled me three or more years ago. This shows utter stagnation! I wish I could just run off to the himis, stand on one leg like a stork under the sun and shadow, and breathe my tensions out into the snow while I slowly begin to resemble a snow-crow. I canna I canna... but hey - atleast I'm able to see that I'm helping the churning currents. Everyday I will try more to cut off the emotional chord that amplifies the torrents, and everyday I will be that much closer to success... Life's not all that bad - it's pretty darn good even though a lot of noise tries to drown out the signal. But I'm weeding out the noise makers - and I think I will finally succeed in reaching clarity and be able to close my eyes, breathe deep, and go to the top of Kilimanjaro in my mind's eye... Soon... one of these days... will tell you when I see it! :)