Defining factor: Masochism

I will do it this time:

Dear Diary!!! :P pointless... hehehe

I think, no I believe... and very sincerely I might add, that my life is well written by fate. Now, I do not subscribe to the general belief of fate being a palm leaf with all the twists and turns of your life written on it and stuck on your forehead ("Thalai-yezhuthu"). I prefer a more quantum-mechanical view of the universe. I believe that when every conscious entity is first conscious of its existence as pertains to this universe and this space-time, at that very moment, there are an infinite number of future paths open to it. Every step it takes down one road leaves a set of branches back in the past that are no longer open to it. However, every single decision, every single thought affects its own fate and where it is heading. The further down this path of life we head, the more finite our options become. However, this finiteness is not countable in our sense of the term - it would still be innumerable to us. This is because the number of decisions we make each moment of each day are innumerable in and of themselves and each decision would head us down one branch of our life-path. Whether we are 7 or 70, we still have an unfurling tree to climb with so many branches as to shelter the biggest giant from all the rain that might possibly decide to liberate itself unto his head. All this means that our life, our fate, is in our hands as well as the hands of that omnipresent, omniscient "upar-wala", the ever-loving universal sentient energy that pervades our and all other universes. And this especially means that our life is our responsibility and ours alone. The super-sentient has handed over control of our destinies into our hands. So there is no use railing against life or others. We, each, are uniquely situated to hold the reins over the big decisions which dictate our life path. Yes, there will be impinging influences of others and the butterfly effect will waft our brains to dance over chaotic boundaries. However, the most basic decisions, thoughts, and emotional influences on our life are ours and ours alone.

Which leads me to my current bout of whining... If the main "culprit" who is responsible for my life is me - well, I'm a masochist!!! I like adventure sports, I like adrenaline rushes, I like running to things last minute because it gives me a delicious feeling to still be on time. And I cannot seem to stop myself from walking along paths and right into potholes even though I see them yawning wide and deep right below my feet! I come through it all well and happy, safe and sound and content. However, what I do not understand is how I let myself into these things. I pride myself on thinking hard about everything I do and everything I get myself into. But sometimes, I do stand back and find myself blinking - just blinking - I did this? I DID this? I did THIS? hello! What was I thinking??? And then I relax, breathe, and beat my brain back out of panic and realize: Yes, I DID THIS and Yes, I INTENDED to do THIS and Yes, it might not have been intended initially but I am not disappointed with the current turn of events - if anything I could be said to be ecstatic about most of it. Just that some small portions of my life will always be out of control and since they are out of control, and they will be spoiled little children, I will NOT give over control of my emotions to them. The in-control portions of my life leave me with a sense of joy and "twinkle-some-ness" (yes - but what can I do, it so well defined my state right now). So, yes, one of the defining factors of my life is masochism. The other is fate. One more is happiness. And the last and most important: my rational and evolving thought processes, no matter how right or wrong they might be viewed by the rest of the sentients on this planet :P